Logbook hellhole
by Fliceru01
Summary: Ok better summary now. Ed and Roy are having a massive prank war and Riza is losing her mind trying to stop it. the only person standing by her is Lieutenant Jean Havoc... Rated for safety
1. Chapter 1

**DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST DAMN IT! I DO NOT EVEN OWN MY OWN ASS, THAT BELONGS TO RACHEL… THE LOG BOOKS ARE FROM THAT CHARACTER'S POINT OF VIEW BUT THE REST IS IN THE THIRD PERSON. THIS IS MY FIRST FMA FIC SO BE NICE!**

Logbook hellhole Chapter 1 

15th March – 18:00

Colonel Roy Mustang, East HQ. LOG IN

Okay, now I'm pissed off. For over three years I've had to put up with Edward Elric getting all the glory when I, the unnoticed and greatly misunderstood, Flame Alchemist have been doing all the hard work! I am Roy Mustang and I will not be silenced any more! I can see that cursed Lieutenant Hawkeye watching me carefully to make sure that I finish my logbook but she has no idea what I'm planning! HA HA this definitely needs to be put into writing. I'd better hurry though; Riza has taken to throwing things at me so that she can take her turn.

10 reasons why I am better than Edward Elric:

1. I am taller than him.

2. I am hotter than him.

3. I am a genius.

4. I am Roy Mustang.

5. I look better in uniform.

6. I have a better Alchemy move than he does. (CLAP SOME MORE YOU WORTHLESS LITTLE SEAL WHILE I CLICK MY FINGERS AND LOOK HOT)

7. I am in possession of all my limbs.

8. Did I mention that he is a short arse?

9. I've had more women than he's had zits.

10. I don't know if anyone noticed but I clearly kicked his ass when he was trying to renew his State Alchemy Certification. If I hadn't of hesitated then that kid would have been toast.

Well that's it in a nutshell I think. That Fullmetal brat doesn't know how good he has it. But when I become Fuhrer, which will be sooner rather than later, apart from making all female officers wear tiny miniskirts, there'll be hell to pay.

Yeah right Roy. You'd better find a wife before you do because the new brigadier-general is on your back like a cigarette in Lieutenant Havoc's mouth.

HUGHES! Get lost, stop writing over my shoulder! Yes I am replying by writing back because I have lost my voice. Patrolling the grounds in the freezing cold and pouring rain for five hours doesn't do wonders for your vocal chords. Now piss off!

Sure Roy, but keep your eyes open. You never know; Hawkeye may be hearing the chime of wedding bells in that pretty little head of hers.

HUGHES! For the love of all things hideous! Now where are my nasal spray and throat lasagnes?

15th May 2006 – 18:55

_Colonel Roy Mustang, East HQ. LOG OUT_


	2. Chapter 2

**DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST DAMN IT! I DO NOT EVEN OWN MY OWN ASS, THAT BELONGS TO RACHEL… THE LOG BOOKS ARE FROM THAT CHARACTER'S POINT OF VIEW BUT THE REST IS IN THE THIRD PERSON. THIS IS MY FIRST FMA FIC SO BE NICE!**

**Chapter 2**

Colonel Roy Mustang sighed heavily as he slammed the cover shut on the thick logbook that sat in the main office of his headquarters and massaged his head where a pencil had hit him. Riza Hawkeye raised her arm again, ready to launch the empty tub that had held all of the pencils, but lowered it again as she saw her commander get up and go to leave to the room. She called him over.

" Hey Roy, are you ok? I know its been hard on all of us the past few months but you seem to be taking it the hardest."

Roy walked back over to her and sat facing her on his desk with his head leant to one side curiously.

" Why are you so concerned? I would have thought you'd have sooner called me a wimp rather than console me. I'm completely fine anyway."

Riza shrugged her shoulders and replied with her hands raised in defeat.

" The last time I checked, coughing your brains out onto the desk and sneezing so hard that your eyes swell wasn't 'completely fine'. But if you insist… Just don't expect me and Black Hayatae to clear up the mess if your head explodes, which could happen of your ego gets any bigger."

Riza's little black dog scampered out from under the desk obediently and yapped angrily up and Roy as if knowing that the Colonel had displeased his mistress. Roy leant down and stroked the little dog and spoke.

" I can't believe you're still calling it that. Haven't you named it properly yet?"

Riza shook her head and clicked her tongue at the dog. It barked placidly and sat down at the base of the chair as she got up and walked over to the leather-bound logbook that sat closed on the far side of the room. She opened it and flicked to the next empty page that was designated to her. She picked up the pen out of the well and sang to Roy as he passed her to leave.

" Here comes the Bride, all dressed in white."

Roy squeaked in alarm and slammed the door behind him. Riza laughed as she heard his hurried footsteps as he ran down the corridor to seek shelter in the men's dormitories. She looked back to the book before her and began to write.

15th March – 19:06

First Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye, East HQ. LOG IN

The left perimeters have been rebuilt after the unfortunate accident of last month that involved a rather drunk Alchemist, whose name I won't mention (LIEUTENANT HAVOC!), and a squirrel who was 'trespassing upon army trees'. Also, the refurbishments of the parade ground have also been finished and all state certifications are up to date.

I put three Privates into quarantine for crooked shooting in training and had Hughes court-marshalled a Major who tried to Neuter Black Hayatae with a blunt corkscrew. All paperwork is finished and my desk is completely clear for the next month; which is more than can be said for Colonel Mustang. One cannot even see him when he is sitting in his office he has so much unfinished paperwork.

In fact, he is just a completely disorganised person altogether with no sense of time or responsibility. I don't even know how he got to the position of authority that he has now. Over the past few days a number of things have crossed my mind about that man.

10 reasons why Mustang should never become Fuhrer:

1. His ego is the size of the planet.

2. His brain is in his trousers and even that has limited capacities (not that I would know what capacities his trousers have, or want to know for that matter!)

3. He is Roy Mustang.

4. He thinks he is the best thing since the Transmutation Circle.

5. He is a man whore.

6. The air that fills his empty head could fill the infinite reaches of space.

7. He has an unhealthy obsession, shared with Lieutenant Havoc, with miniskirts.

8. Did I mention that this is Roy Mustang that I'm talking about?

9. He seems to have quite a lot of nosebleeds, particularly when talking about Psiren, which I think is not a good quality for a future Fuhrer.

10. That position belongs to me!

……..Well now that that rant is over I think its time to take Black Hayatae for a walk. Come on Hayatae-kun, we have some dreams to crush.

15th May 2006 – 19:20

_Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye, East HQ. LOG OUT_

As is said before, this is just some random stuff but if a few people review this and like it then I will write some more. Peace put Fictioners and Fictionettes! xxx


	3. Chapter 3

**DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST DAMN IT! I DO NOT EVEN OWN MY OWN ASS, THAT BELONGS TO RACHEL… THE LOG BOOKS ARE FROM THAT CHARACTER'S POINT OF VIEW BUT THE REST IS IN THE THIRD PERSON. THIS IS MY FIRST FMA FIC SO BE NICE!**

**Chapter 3 – THREE DAYS LATER**

**SIDE NOTE: ANY STARS IN THE MIDDLE OF TEXT ARE THERE TO SEPARATE THE LOGBOOK ENTRIES AND THE ORDINARY TEXT. THANKS XXX**

" Can I ask you something?"

" Yeah sure. Whats up?"

Riza Hawkeye leant on her desk and rubbed her forehead in exasperation. Before her, Lieutenant Jean Havoc took another bite of his sandwich and wrote another line in his logbook. Riza answered him sullenly.

" It's the Colonel…"

" What? Mustang? Whats wrong with him? He didn't get his 'finger' stuck in his zipper again did he? He walked funny for weeks after that. Ha!"

" Wait… Why did he walk funny if he trapped his finger… Yuk Havoc that's disgusting."

Havoc laughed and tossed the crusts off his sandwich into the bin.

" It was only a suggestion, Hawkeye. Ok seriously now; I know what you mean, he does seem a little less…manic than usual."

A quieter, unknown voice answered.

" Its because him and Edward are declaring alchemic war on each other again. This time I think Ed drenched the Colonel's ignition gloves in water so that he couldn't conjure flame for a few days while they dried out."

Riza and Havoc turned to see Caine Fury standing by the door with Black Hayatae in his arms. The little dog yapped and barked placidly then leapt to the floor and scampered to his mistress' feet. Riza bent down and stroked his head with one finger while speaking to Caine.

" Thanks for taking him on such short notice, Caine. I had a lot of work to do and couldn't afford to waste time looking after this little guy."

Caine smiled nervously and rubbed the back of his head.

" No worries Lieutenant. I've gotta go back on duty so I'll see you both later."

He saluted to both officers and left the room. Riza yawned and spoke sleepily while stretching her shoulders back to ease a tired muscle.

" I'd better go too, before I keel over out of sleep deprivation. Make sure you finish that entry before you leave, okay."

" Sure thing, Riza. Sweet dreams."

They saluted and Riza left with Black Hayatae hurrying along behind her. Havoc turned back to his book and re-read what he had written so far.

18th March – 20:45

Lieutenant Jean Havoc, East HQ. LOG IN

Paperwork – Check

Duties carried out – Check

Cellotape Bredda to his rifle – Double check

Eat delicious ham sandwich as replacement for double chocolate muffin – Check

Havoc picked up his pen again and carried on from where he had left off.

That's all there is to say really, I haven't had to shoot anyone and no one has been blown up in weeks. I don't even know why Riza insisted on making us do these stupid logbooks anyway. This place is just a logbook hellhole! Ever since Mustang's "Miniskirts for the people" plot failed everythings turned really boring.

Crash

Okay what the hell was that?

18th March – 21:04

Lieutenant Jean Havoc, East HQ. LOG OUT

Havoc slammed the cover of his book shut and ran out into the corridor where he saw many other officers doing the same before retiring to bed. Maes Hughes tore past Havoc's doorway carrying what looked suspiciously like Edward's Clothes. Havoc grabbed his arm and pulled him back.

" Hey Hughes, Whats going down back there? What you carrying?"

Hughes caught his breath and replied.

" I wish I knew. Roy just threw these at me and told me to run for my life."

Suddenly a high-pitched scream, which could have only come from Edward Elric, erupted all around the compound. Roy Mustang came tearing up the corridor laughing his head off. He grabbed Hughes by the scruff of his neck and dragged him along while yelling.

" Head for the chapel! Seek sanctuary from the miniscule beast! Sanctuary, Sanctuary!"

Havoc smiled to himself and went to go back inside but was stopped as Ed ran up the corridor wearing nothing except what looked like a bin bag tied around his waist. The maniac alchemist stopped and yelled to the entire corridor.

" Which way did they go?"

Havoc bit his lip and shrugged his shoulders, determined not to get involved in this prank war. Ed clenched his fists, letting his hands stray from holding up the bin bag. He growled angrily and went to carry on running but his shoddy cover fell to the floor, revealing everything to the crowded corridor. Havoc averted his eyes as someone called out.

" Looks like the Fullmetal pipsqueak is lacking in more than just height!"

Ed's eyes narrowed and anger marks sparked and fizzed on his forehead.

" DON'T SAY PIPSQUEAK!"

He gathered his bin bag and ran off in search of Mustang and his clothes yelling as he went.

" MUSTANG YOU BASTARD! KEEP RUNNING BEFORE I TRANSMUTE YOUR HEAD INTO A PIECE OF CHEESE!"

Havoc sighed and headed off to his dormitory where he would receive some much needed sleep. He rolled into bed and muttered under his breath.

" Fullmetal 1 ; Flame 1."


	4. Chapter 4

**DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST DAMN IT! I DO NOT EVEN OWN MY OWN ASS, THAT BELONGS TO RACHEL… THE LOG BOOKS ARE FROM THAT CHARACTER'S POINT OF VIEW BUT THE REST IS IN THE THIRD PERSON. THIS IS MY FIRST FMA FIC SO BE NICE!**

**Logbook hellhole**

**Chapter 4 – Just a note. Hughes is alive and well and Al has his body back but Ed is still putting up with metal limbs.**

Fullmetal Alchemist, Edward Elric, sat with his head in his hands at his makeshift desk and moaned as his brother sewed the whole back up in his pilfered trousers. Al finished the row of stitching and handed the black trousers back to Ed.

" Are you sure it was the Colonel who took these, brother? It seems pretty immature if you ask me. Maybe you'd be more in the right direction if you considered Havoc or Bredda."

Ed climbed back into his clothes and wrung his hands angrily.

" I'm sure, Al. I'm gonna kill that pratty Colonel with a god-complex and make him rue the day he crossed me!"

Al sighed and shook his head then went back to filling in the form on his bed; the form to request a state certification in Alchemy. Since he was no in his own body he would finally be able to get what he had wanted for so long; to fight alongside his brother. He looked up at his brother who was hurriedly scrawling a drawing of some menacing machine on a piece of scrap paper with a stick man lying in a pool of blood labelled 'Mustang'.

" Brother. Lieutenant Hawkeye will be along soon to get your logbook. Have you finished it yet?"

Ed scowled and shoved the prank plan away stroppily then picked up the rather thin black book that sat next to his brother's thick one. He flicked through the pages reading as he went.

Page 1:Fuck off am I filling this in

Page 2: You've got another thing coming if you think I'm filling this in.

Page 3: If you post this under my door one more time then I'm shoving it so far up your arse that the dentist will have to remove it!

Page 4: I can't believe you had me court-martialled! The corkscrew fell out of my hand… and onto the dog…

Page 5: Fine…

_13th March – 13:56_

Fullmetal Alchemist Edward Elric, East HQ. LOG IN

I may be filling this in but I am not beaten! I blew up Mustang's desk twice and I then when he put it back together I filled the draws with mousetraps. I hid Havoc's cigarettes because I thought he needed to stop smoking (how was I supposed to know that he would go insane, get drunk and try to attack the nearest squirrel?).

Happy now, Hawkeye? No… well that's all your getting so deal with it!

13thth March – 14:10

Fullmetal Alchemist Edward Elric, East HQ. LOG OUT

Ed smiled to himself and mused under his breath.

" Ahhh memories."

Then the scornful sound of his brother's voice came from by his ear.

" Brother! Havoc nearly got shot for destroying the parade ground! Mustang nearly lost his hand in that desk! I can't believe you've only filled in one page properly! No wonder the Lieutenant has been giving you the cold shoulder for ages!"

Ed sighed in exasperation and hunched over his book so that Al couldn't see it. Al clicked his tongue and picked his book up with both hands and left the room. Ed scrawled something on the blank page and then slammed the book shut before running out of the room after Al. He closed the door behind him and slipped the book through his belt for safekeeping before running down the corridor in search of revenge.

Ed stopped outside Mustang's office and put his ear to the door in anticipation. Sure enough, through the thin wood he could hear the blaring of the wireless radio and then over that he heard the tone-deaf tremors of his commanding officer's singing. Ed stifled his laughter and reached into the pocket of his jacket. He pulled out a tape recorder and placed it by the crack in the door. He pressed record then fell back and laughed as Mustang tried, and failed, to hit the high notes of a choirgirl's ballad.

Ed tried to sit back up but whacked his head against the door, causing the radio and singing inside to stop. He gulped, stopped the recorder, picked it up and ran off towards Riza's office at full pelt to hand in his logbook. Meanwhile, Colonel Roy Mustang mistook the sound for the wind outside his window and carried on singing at the top of his voice, naively believing that his walls and door were soundproof.

The next morning at breakfast, Roy Mustang and his company tucked into plates of bacon, eggs, sausages and fried tomatoes while Edward Elric had roped his brother into breaking into the PA system over the compound. Ed leant over the speaker and clapped his hands, sending sparks of Alchemy out to connect the wires between the tape recorder and the automatic recording box. He sent Al back out into the hall and tried speaking into the microphone. Al leant back round the door and signalled that it was coming through clearly then went back out to the cafeteria to look inconspicuous.

Ed made sure the tape was all in order then spoke into the microphone again.

" Ladies and Gentlemen. Officers and Alchemists. Everyone get ready to hear the newest musical 'talent' hitting the scene. Please give it up for Roy Mustang and his cover version of Somewhere Over The Rainbow."

Then he clicked 'off' on the microphone and pressed play on the tape recorder. He hurried out of the PA room and ran back to the cafeteria where he found everyone rolling off their seats out of hilarity and Roy Mustang halfway between crying out of embarrassment and torching all of the people in the room out of anger. Ed found his place next to Al who was looking down at his plate and was stabbing his bacon angrily, not laughing.

Roy looked around and finally his eyes fell on Ed, grinning widely with his hands clasped on the table before him. Roy leapt to his feet and stormed over with his hands poised ready to either reduce Ed to ashes or throttle him. Ed raised his hands and spoke.

" Before you say anything; I know what you mean. Its despicable isn't it, the way some people think it's perfectly okay to MURDER a classic song like this. Judy Garland will be turning in her premature grave! But don't worry Colonel, I won't hold it against ya."

Then he hurriedly leapt to his feet and ran from the room, hounded by Roy's explosions of flame and floor tiles.

**Just another note: Judy Garland is the person who originally sang Somewhere Over The Rainbow in The Wizard Of Oz just in case anyone didn't know…**


	5. Chapter 5

**DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST DAMN IT! I DO NOT EVEN OWN MY OWN ASS, THAT BELONGS TO RACHEL… THE LOG BOOKS ARE FROM THAT CHARACTER'S POINT OF VIEW BUT THE REST IS IN THE THIRD PERSON. THIS IS MY FIRST FMA FIC SO BE NICE!**

**Logbook hellhole**

**Chapter 5**

Hughes crept out from under his table in the cafeteria to look around as other officers were doing the same, covered from head to toe in food and pieces of tile and table. Roy had stormed out after Edward and Al and Riza had gone to pursue them both. Hughes sat down on a half exploded bench and sighed, wiping his forehead with his sleeve and leaning back to stretch his shoulders. A large drop of oatmeal fell from the ceiling to land square on his head and form a gloopy mass in his hair. He growled and frantically tried to claw out the sloppy substance but only succeeding in rubbing it deeper into his roots. He whimpered as he realised his fingers were now glued to his hair and unable to be withdrawn.

The wide double doors of the cafeteria slammed open and Riza entered looking extremely angry and flustered, dragging Al by his ear. She stormed past everyone and the officers she passed gave a little cry then went back to cleaning up the mess. She stopped in front of Hughes' table and thrust Al into the seat opposite him. She stood at the end of the table and put her hands on her hips.

" I am sick of all these pranks! Its got to stop."

Hughes turned to put his legs under the table and replied.

" And what do you expect us to do about it? We aren't the ones blowing the crap out of each other."

Riza's face darkened another shade or two and she leant forward until she was mere inches away from Hughes and Al.

" You two are the people closest to the people responsible so you must have some idea what the hell started this stupid prank war! I want an explanation from both of you!"

Then she slammed two pieces paper onto the table in front of them and then threw them each a pen.

" Get started. I'll be over here making sure everyone does their part to clean up! You have 30 minutes starting now!"

Hughes made a pathetic attempt at a laugh and spoke.

" Um Riza, I don't know if you'd noticed but my hands are otherwise indisposed."

He looked upwards and sort of flapped his arms to show that his hands were stuck. Riza stepped closer to him and grabbed his arms. Then with an unusually strong force she pulled his hands from his head, also taking some of his hair with them. Hughes cried out and then leant down to his paper with tears streaming down his face.

" Thanks Riza…."

Al bit his lip but then plucked up the courage and spoke.

" Riza I really don't think you should know about the Colonel and my brother…"

Hughes' head snapped up and his foot went straight to Al's kneecap to prevent him from saying any more. Riza however sprang straight to attention and replied hotly.

" What about Roy and Edward?"

Al replied while massaging his leg and glaring at Hughes.

" Nothing. Its not relevant. Honest."

Riza glowered at Hughes then spoke before turning her back and walking off.

" Fine. Just write down what is then."

Hughes exhaled deeply then whispered stormily at Al.

" What do you think you're doing? Roy and Ed told us not to tell anyone no matter what!"

Al picked up his pen and began tapping it on the tabletop lightly.

" I'm sorry. I don't know what I was thinking; if Riza finds about the reason this whole thing started then… oh I don't want to think about what she'd do to them, especially the Colonel."

Hughes picked up his own pen and replied.

" Oh Roy will be fine and so will Ed. We just need to let them sort it out on their own and hopefully it won't end too badly. For now lets just try and keep Riza off their tails."

Al nodded and they both bowed their heads in concentration, trying to fabricate a story that would hopefully pull the wool over Riza Hawkeye's eyes.

Riza sat down at her desk with the two mini essays in front of her. It had taken the two men only ten minutes to write down what they thought so she didn't have much faith in the pieces of paper before her. She closed her eyes for a few seconds and then opened them and picked up the first piece of paper. It was Hughes' entry.

Hey Riza old buddy, old pal hows it hanging? Ok then… um don't really know how to put it into words, this whole prank war stuff. I suppose you want me to write about Roy's point of view. Lets just say that someone hasn't been getting any for a while. He really needs to find himself a wife you know, I've lost count of how many times I've told him that he needs to buckle down… ok…ok I'll stop… I can tell you're getting angry with me and I'm not even with you. That's all I know, go easy on the guy, lets just say his 'ego' is going through a rough time and he's in the middle of a kind of slump right now. I don't know Whats gotten to him but whatever it is, is making him act this way; all out of whack and unhappy.

Hughes

Riza put the paper back down on the desk and smirked, maybe she'd gotten more out of that letter than Hughes had wanted her to. She pushed it aside then picked up Al's letter and began to read, with more interest than she had started with.

You need to understand, Riza that my brother is going through a lot of emotional turmoil right now. Its making him act strange and do things that he wouldn't ordinarily do. Okay so he pulls pranks all the time but he doesn't really mean it, I swear! He just needs to be left alone to heal. Trust me when I say that he needs to be left to sort this out on his own with the person concerned.

Alphonse

Riza leant back on her chair and smirked to herself happily. She had this all figured out and all she had to do was to place the right tools in the right and the pieces would move themselves into exactly the right places. She left her office and took the pieces of paper with her. She stood in the corridor for a moment then she saw Caine Fury turning into her stretch of corridor, humming to himself. He reached her and saluted.

" Good evening Lieutenant."

Riza saluted him and replied.

" Caine, could you do me a favour?"

" Yeah sure, Lieutenant. Just say the word."

" Thanks Caine. I want you to take this and push it under the Colonel's door. Then run back to your room as if your life depended on it ok."

_Caine looked a little startled at the running comment but took the paper from Riza none the less and headed off in the direction of Roy's bedroom where Riza was sure he would be. She in turn turned in the opposite direction and headed for Ed's room hoping that her plan would put an end to all this turmoil and stupidity so that she could have at least ten minutes peace without having to stop one or the other of them from blowing up the compound._


	6. Chapter 6

**DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST DAMN IT! I DO NOT EVEN OWN MY OWN ASS, THAT BELONGS TO RACHEL… THE LOG BOOKS ARE FROM THAT CHARACTER'S POINT OF VIEW BUT THE REST IS IN THE THIRD PERSON. THIS IS MY FIRST FMA FIC SO BE NICE!**

**Logbook hellhole**

**Chapter 6 – This is quite a long one so bear with it.**

Riza Hawkeye walked proudly down the silent corridors of the military compound with satisfaction lining her smile. She welcomed the newfound peace and patted herself on the back for coming up with her ingenious plan to rectify the dire situation that had caused half of the compound to combust around her. She sighed and was about to pass the last stretch of corridor before she reached her room when a loud thump and deep throated groans and yells erupted from a nearby storeroom. Riza ran forwards, assuming that someone was locked inside and needing help.

She stopped outside the door and pulled on the handle so that it swept open to reveal what was inside. Riza screamed and strove to shield her eyes from what she saw. Inside the storeroom, Ed and Roy were kissing passionately and half of their clothes had already been shed to the cluttered floor to lie among paint cans, toolkits and other assorted janitor tools. They paused in their onslaught and faced Riza; both looking rather flustered and put out that they had been interrupted. Riza stammered out a response.

" W…w…what is the meaning of this? Anyone could have opened that door! And Ed would you please put your trousers back on, the entire compound doesn't need to see everything."

Ed flushed bright red then pulled his black trousers up with a scowl plain on his face. Roy cleared his throat and spoke with his arm around Ed.

" Ummm Riza… I can explain…"

" I should hope you can, Colonel!"

" It's just that we found the letters you posted and we realised how stupid we'd been to let each other go. We got so heated up in the spur of the moment that we couldn't help it. Sorry if we caused you any discomfort Riza."

" Discomfort? Discomfort! I think I'm scarred for life! That plan was designed to get this place back to normal, not to encourage homosexual romps in the janitors' closet! Oh my god…"

She was about to carry on yelling when she heard a massive explosion and all went black and all that reached her senses was the sound of someone calling to her and some foul stench that compelled her to clasp her mouth and nose shut.

" Riza! Riza! Wake up Riza! We have to get out of here! Come on Riza wake up, please listen we need to get out of here now. This wasn't meant for us, come on! RIZA WAKE UP!"

Riza's eyes opened and she found herself sitting with her head down on her desk with the letters from Hughes and Al unopened under her hands. She looked around and saw that Havoc was standing over her clasping her shoulders and with a worried look on his face. Riza sat bolt upright and spoke to Havoc, only now realising that a great deal of noise was coming from outside, along with that horrific smell she had sensed before.

" Havoc, where are Roy and Edward? They were… in the closet… I was…. I never should have had to see that in my life."

Havoc grimaced and replied, raising his voice so that he could be heard over the clamour outside.

" Riza, you've been asleep since about seven. It's like three in the morning now. You must have been dreaming. We have to get out of here, now! Didn't you here the explosion? Come on."

Havoc pulled her up and dragged her out of her office and out onto the parade ground where the rest of the officers and Alchemists had gathered, some of which were spraying great plumes of water up to a room that was pouring with green smoke and flames. It was Edward's room. Riza tore away from Havoc's grip and sped over to where some more officers were standing with protective suits on, spraying someone wearing nothing but a pair of boxer shorts.

" Whats going on here?"

One of the officers turned to Riza and replied through a tight nose clip and bursts of laughter.

" Edward Elric, Lieutenant. Someone planted a class A 'stink bomb' in his room. He got a direct hit from the 'stink gas'. We're just hosing him down."

Riza looked at the target for the sprayers and saw Ed standing with his arms crossed with his own nose clip preventing the odour from entering his nostrils. Riza gnawed at the inside of her cheeks, trying her hardest not to laugh as someone got a little over-zealous with the hoses and knocked Ed off his feet. He jumped back to his feet and started yelling as the hose-wielding officers began to laugh at his voice with the nose clip still attached.

" You tink dis is fuddy? I'll show you fuddy, you… you… fuc…"

He went to leap forward with his hands clasped in Alchemic posture but the officers just turned up the pressure on their hoses and sent him flying backwards into Caine Fury who was trying to calm down a female officer whose friend had been talking to Ed in his room at the time of the 'blast'. Both men fell to the floor and began arguing with the two female officers about who smelt worse. Riza sighed and walked over.

" I think this has gone far enough. Edward, I think you've been de-odorised enough for one night and Miss Fletcher all you need is a shower and some scented oils and you'll recover enough to go out on a date with Mr Fury. Edward, you can stay in your brother's room until yours is finished being put back together. Now everyone, get to bed before I explode from all this pressure!"

Everyone cleared the parade ground in a hurry as Riza's face darkened a few shades and the air around her became hostile and full of tension. Sparks flew from her form as she heard a screech from inside the compound.

" MUSTANG! YOU DID THIS? YOU'LL PAY FOR THIS YOU LITTLE WORM!"

" Oh so now I'll little huh Edward?"

" Mustang! Don't say little!"

Riza sighed and nearly slid to her knees in defeat on the wet floor but someone caught her and pulled her upright and whispered in her ear.

" You need a drink. Come on."

Lieutenant Jean Havoc took Riza inside to the bar where he sat her at a secluded table lit by a withering candle, one of few left alit at that late time and went to get them both a stiff cup of coffee. He returned to find Riza slumped in her seat with her head in her hands. Havoc sat down, which made her look up, then pushed the steaming coffee into her hands. She sipped it gratefully and Havoc watched happily as some colour returned to her cheeks as the tension in her shoulders slipped away. She looked up and spoke.

" Thanks a lot Jean. I don't know what I would have done without you these past few days."

" I do. You'd probably be being hosed down like Edward if I hadn't gone to look for you earlier."

They both laughed then an awkward silence fell over the pair as they finished their drinks. Havoc slammed his cup down then cleared his throat while rummaging in his jacket pocket.

" Before we left your office I picked up these two letters from your desk, thought you might want them later on so I took them to make sure they didn't get ruined by the gas."

He handed Riza the two letters and leant back in his chair to yawn widely. Riza looked at them and sighed.

" They're things I asked Hughes and Alphonse to write. I suppose it wouldn't hurt to read them now."

She Al's letter down and opened Hughes' letter first. It read:

Hey Riza, I think I have this whole thing figured out! Ok heres what happened, Roy was asleep minding his own business when all of a sudden, Pixies craving world domination invaded his bedroom and their leader crawled into his ear and is now controlling the Colonel's brain via radio waves from a giant Pixie wand in the sky. THEY ARE THE ONES MAKING ROY ACT LIKE A LUNATIC! DEMON PIXIES FROM OUTER SPACE! I know it may seem unbelievable but trust me its Pixies all the way! Oh and don't listen to anything Alphonse says, I have suspicions that the Pixies have gotten to him as well. Peace out, love Hughes.

Riza pulled an exasperated face and handed the letter to Havoc to read while she picked up Al's letter and read that.

Hello Lieutenant. Theres a lot of factors that we need to take into account here… Ummmmm…. Errr…. My brother is… he doesn't really… Oh its just because he and the Colonel had an argument about…

Then it suddenly changed to Hughes' handwriting.

PIXIES! DEMON PIXIES HAVE MY BROTHER! PLEASE HELP HIM RIZA! OH AND DON'T TAKE ANY NOTICE OF WHAT I WROTE BEFORE THIS. I THINK THE PIXIES HAVE INFECTED ME AS WELL. Love Alphonse Elric

Riza slammed the letter down and leant her head on the table, not far from tears of frustration as Havoc laughed and spoke.

" Well Hughes has got a vivid imagination, I'll give him that."

Riza whimpered but looked up in surprise as Havoc came round to her side of the table, sat next to her and put his around her for comfort. She was more surprised that she didn't feel the urge to snap it off and force-feed it back to him; instead she sat up and looked into the face of the man next to her and spoke quietly.

" What's happening to everyone around here lately?"

Havoc tried to lean in closer to Riza but she shuffled back on her chair to evade the warmth of his chest so he cleared his throat and replied, moving his arm away from her.

" I dunno. All I know is that you seem to be taking it pretty hard, why don't you go to bed and let me have a go at finding out what sparked off between Ed and Roy? You deserve a rest."

Riza nodded and got up to leave hurriedly but Havoc got up and spoke nervously as if expecting her to hit him for even breathing.

" Walk you back to your room?"

Riza smiled weakly and nodded and the pair walked out of the empty bar and along the quiet corridors until they reached Riza's room which was just a few doors away from where the gas had been cut short and prevented from going any further. Riza unlocked the door and turned and said a hasty goodbye to Havoc who stood looking slightly neglected on the doorstep. Riza shut the door behind her and Havoc turned to walk away.

" Missed out again. Damn. Why does my luck always run out towards the end, I guess Roy was right when he said not to go for it with her."

He got a few steps away when he heard someone call his name.

" Jean!"

He spun round and Riza flew into his arms and threw her arms around him tightly. He returned the hug and when she looked up, without thinking, he kissed her longingly. When they both pulled away Riza laughed and spoke.

" How long have you been waiting to do that?"

" You have no idea."

He kissed her lightly and they stood apart, joined only by the tips of their fingers as Caine Fury ran around the corner and skidded to a halt in front of them. He saluted scruffily and spoke.

" Lieutenant Hawkeye, Lieutenant Havoc. I found out what sparked this prank war off, Ed and Roy had an argument over… wait a minute."

His eyes travelled down and saw the interlocking fingers of Riza and Havoc and carried on.

" … Oh if you two are together then it doesn't matter any more… this should all just fizzle out between Ed and Roy."

Riza frowned and spoke.

" No Caine… tell me what this little argument was over."

Caine gulped and replied.

" Umm ok. Lieutenant Havoc told them both that he wanted to ask you out and Ed told him to go for it and Roy was advising him against it. They've been fighting all this time to decide what Lieutenant Havoc should do. Although the Lieutenant had no idea whatsoever that that was what they were fighting about."

Riza scowled and anger boiled up inside her. She turned to Havoc and spoke.

" Come on Jean. Theres still one more prank to be played in this stupid little war."


	7. Chapter 7

**DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST DAMN IT! I DO NOT EVEN OWN MY OWN ASS, THAT BELONGS TO RACHEL… THE LOG BOOKS ARE FROM THAT CHARACTER'S POINT OF VIEW BUT THE REST IS IN THE THIRD PERSON. THIS IS MY FIRST FMA FIC SO BE NICE!**

**I AM VERY SORRY THAT IT TOOK ME SO LONG TO UPDATE. I'VE BEEN DOING MY GCSE'S (EVIL EXAMS) AT THE MO AND HAVEN'T HAD TIME. BUT HERE IS THE LAST INSTALMENT OF LOGBOOK HELLHOLE FOR YOUR DELECTATION! **

**Chapter 7**

" AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! LIEUTENANT, WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?"

Deep in the underground cells of the military compound, Lieutenant Colonel Roy Mustang and Fullmetal Alchemist Edward Elric called out in pain as they hung from the ceiling by their ankles via hot metal chains. Riza paced in front of them and smirked as Ed began swinging himself from side to side then whacked his head off the wall and yelled in pain. Riza cleared her throat and answered.

" It's a prank, Colonel. I would have thought that you two were pretty much used to them by now."

Ed groaned and clasped his head with his one remaining hand; Riza had removed his metal arm to prevent him from performing Alchemy.

" Riza, let me down, all the blood is rushing to my head. I feel like a ten tonne weight has been attached to my neck."

" Good. Maybe it'll stretch you out and make you taller."

Ed shrieked and thrashed about, manically trying to free himself from the chains but only succeeding in twisting them around. When he finally stopped, the chain twirled rapidly in the other direction, sending Ed whirring around in a circle until Riza pulled him to a stop.

" I think I'm gonna hurl…"

Riza stepped away as Roy spoke, somewhat calmer than Ed had.

" What is this all about, Riza?"

Riza smiled and replied nastily.

" This is about you and Edward thinking that you can interfere in my love life."

Roy went to come back at her with a witty retort but was cut short as he realised what she said. He and Ed both started stumbling over feeble excuses.

" Riza… this is all a big misunderstanding…"

" We only wanted the best for you…"

" My idea worked though didn't it…"

" I wuv you…"

Riza looked at Ed as he finished speaking. He wore a wide innocent looking grin and puppy dog eyes that glistened with fake tears. Riza walked over, pouted and tapped Ed's cheek with her palm.

" There, there mr chibi-chan. This won't hurt a bit, I promise…"

Fear struck the two mens' faces as Riza laughed to herself and left the cell as Ed clicked to what she had meant and yelled after her.

" DON'T CALL ME SHORTARSE! YOU TRIGGER HAPPY WENCH!"

Riza appeared behind a glass window outside the cell and spoke through a speaker.

" It's a shame you feel that way Edward. Roy, I guess you have Edward to thank for this."

Anger marks sparked on Roy's head and he swung himself to the side to grab Ed around the neck and begin to throttle him as Riza pulled a leaver and the green stink gas from before started to enter the cell from vents scattered around and tiny red insects started to crawl down the chains towards the men hanging from them. Riza left the cells to the sounds of screams and yells of swear words too outrageous to be believed.

Later on, Riza and Jean walked along the peaceful corridors hand in hand, absorbing the silence that hadn't been evident for as long as Riza could remember. Jean sighed and spoke, squeezing Riza's hand gently.

" Did you sort out that 'problem' with Edward and the Colonel?"

" Come on, I'll show you."

She pulled him aside and showed him into one of the hospital wings where Ed and Roy were sitting on two beds covered in millions of tiny red bite spots, with clips on their noses and scowls on their faces. Riza stepped aside and let Jean step into the room. He put his arm around her waist and laughed.

" Gee Edward, I never knew polka dots would suit you so well."

Ed's scowl deepened and his eye twitched. Roy laughed but was silenced as Ed threw a sick bowl at his head. The pair glared at each other and folded their arms stroppily over their chests.

Riza smiled and shuffled closer to Jean.

" Yeah… I don't think they'll be messing around any more."

Roy whimpered as a nurse stuck him roughly with a needle to take a blood sample.

" I liked this place better when it was a Logbook hellhole…"

**TAAAAA DAAAAAAAAA! TIS THE END OF THIS FIC! I WON'T BE WRITING ANY FMA STUFF FOR A BIT BUT IF ANY OF YOU ARE INTO YU-GI-OH THEN I'M WRITING A FIC CALLED THE MINI YAMI ADVENTURES. THANKS FOR ALL YOUR REVIEWS; THEY'RE ALL GREATLY APPRECIATED! PEACE, LOVE, AND BEER TO YOU ALL XXXXXXXXXXXX**


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